The Shell

Yeah, I know. I'm sarcastic. Overly sarcastic. I bet that's my most noticeable personality trait. After questioning why I am this way, I came up with a theory. The Shell Theory.

When I was younger, in grade school, I was made fun of. A lot. Many different days, I came home crying, not wanting to return to school the next day. It was constant and quite harsh, and my feelings were attacked and hurt on a daily basis. Sometimes this included being punched and pushed around. This went on for many years. In 1996, in the middle of my eighth grade year, my family moved from Ironton, Ohio, to Clarks Grove, Minnesota. Personally, I was quite excited about this move - a chance to start over. A clean slate. I wanted to leave my past behind. I wanted to go somewhere where I wasn't the butt of constant jokes.

The move went well, and I started life at the new school. Within the first week, someone made fun of me for some reason. I remember getting quite mad at this - thinking that things are just going to go back to the way they were, and that I was going to me made fun of at this school too. That's when I made a decision - the decision not to care about what other people said. I was then able to brush off any put downs. Soon enough, I wasn't made fun of at all. One of the ways I was able to do this is that I became able to make fun of myself, which I did (and still do) quite often. This grew to being sarcastic towards other people, as well. I've never meant it in a mean way. I do like to make people laugh, but I think I try too hard sometimes, and I push the sarcasm too far.

Looking back at that now, however, I realize what I may have done. I think I created an emotional shell around myself. My emotions were invulnerable to attack - nothing people said could hurt my feelings. However, I also became less emotionally available to my friends when they needed it. Looking back, there are times when I wasn't able to be the type of friend I should have been. I went several years without ever crying about anything.

That shell has been getting cracked over the last few years. This is mainly due to my fiancee, Megan. Being apart from her was hard for me, and a few of the times, I cried when I had to leave her. It was odd; it was a part of me I hadn't seen in years. Just being in love with her as also cracked the shell more. I've noticed the difference in my life. Movies have started affecting me in different ways than they have before (not that I've cried at a movie, however :)).

So here I am today. I am sorry if I come across as a jerk sometimes, but please know that I never mean to. I am tried to become less sarcastic, to not say every clever (to me, at least) statement that pops in my head.

In closing, I love my fiancee. And she is the one that will have to put up with the weird ways of me for the rest of her life. Ha Ha!

Fifty-eight days and counting....