Thursday, March 30, 2006

The Shell

Yeah, I know. I'm sarcastic. Overly sarcastic. I bet that's my most noticeable personality trait. After questioning why I am this way, I came up with a theory. The Shell Theory.

When I was younger, in grade school, I was made fun of. A lot. Many different days, I came home crying, not wanting to return to school the next day. It was constant and quite harsh, and my feelings were attacked and hurt on a daily basis. Sometimes this included being punched and pushed around. This went on for many years. In 1996, in the middle of my eighth grade year, my family moved from Ironton, Ohio, to Clarks Grove, Minnesota. Personally, I was quite excited about this move - a chance to start over. A clean slate. I wanted to leave my past behind. I wanted to go somewhere where I wasn't the butt of constant jokes.

The move went well, and I started life at the new school. Within the first week, someone made fun of me for some reason. I remember getting quite mad at this - thinking that things are just going to go back to the way they were, and that I was going to me made fun of at this school too. That's when I made a decision - the decision not to care about what other people said. I was then able to brush off any put downs. Soon enough, I wasn't made fun of at all. One of the ways I was able to do this is that I became able to make fun of myself, which I did (and still do) quite often. This grew to being sarcastic towards other people, as well. I've never meant it in a mean way. I do like to make people laugh, but I think I try too hard sometimes, and I push the sarcasm too far.

Looking back at that now, however, I realize what I may have done. I think I created an emotional shell around myself. My emotions were invulnerable to attack - nothing people said could hurt my feelings. However, I also became less emotionally available to my friends when they needed it. Looking back, there are times when I wasn't able to be the type of friend I should have been. I went several years without ever crying about anything.

That shell has been getting cracked over the last few years. This is mainly due to my fiancee, Megan. Being apart from her was hard for me, and a few of the times, I cried when I had to leave her. It was odd; it was a part of me I hadn't seen in years. Just being in love with her as also cracked the shell more. I've noticed the difference in my life. Movies have started affecting me in different ways than they have before (not that I've cried at a movie, however :)).

So here I am today. I am sorry if I come across as a jerk sometimes, but please know that I never mean to. I am tried to become less sarcastic, to not say every clever (to me, at least) statement that pops in my head.

In closing, I love my fiancee. And she is the one that will have to put up with the weird ways of me for the rest of her life. Ha Ha!

Fifty-eight days and counting....

Friday, March 24, 2006

Sixty-four

So, yeah, this is weird. In sixty-four days, I am getting married. Me. How quaint. Up until a few years ago, I was convinced I was never going to get married. I could never see myself in a romantic relationship. I don't really know why. I was somewhat scared of girls I suppose, and sometimes socially awkward as well. But alas, it has happened.

I met Megan while working at McDonald's in the summer of 2001. We were very good friends while working there. On her last day there, in August 2002, she asked me out. Later we found out that we had both had crushes on the other for quite some time. Most of our dating time has been spent in a long-distance relationship, while I lived and went to school in Columbus, Ohio, and she lived in Minnesota.

I proposed to her on November 12, 2004. I drove up to surprise her around the time of her birthday, which is November 15 (she was suspicious that was I coming though). I took her to a gazeebo next to a lake, read her a poem I had written for her, got down on one knee and popped the question.

And now, the time is closing in. Sixty-four days. Unbelievable.

I can't explain how I feel about Megan. She is wonderful. I love the way that we can talk for hours. I believe she was Godsent to me as my soulmate - the person I was meant to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I thank God everyday for sending her into my life.

Life will definitely change in the coming months, but I am ready. I just hope Megan is ready for what she's gotten herself into. :)

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

The Point

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."
--Psalm 139:13

God has a purpose for my life. He made me, and has molded me into who I am today. But who is that? I'm not quite sure yet.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in the wrong career field. Computers are great fun, but I'm not always sure whether I'm really benefiting anyone by doing what I do. Was it part of God's amazing plan for my life that I sit at this cubicle desk, creating phone lists and working on databases? I also know that's God's plan for me may not actually be my occupation. God may be using me in other ways I haven't even thought of yet. The possibilities are infinite.

I like to write, and I think I may actually have some skill at it. I started writing poetry many years ago (somewhere in the mid 1990's, I believe). I've continued writing ever since. I've noticed that the things I've written have gotten smoother and more mature. A few years ago, I started writing song parodies (secular songs rewritten with Christian lyrics). Sometime in 2004, I took my first crack at writing a short story, and I have written a few short stories since then. (A good bit of the things I've written are available at the Cooproductions website.)

Is writing my true purpose in life? Who knows. Well, God does. But I don't. I quite often pray that God will lead me in His direction, wherever that takes me. If that takes me to more of a writing career than one in IT, so be it. If my purpose is in a cubicle, so be it. God's will for my life is so much more important than my own desires I have for myself.

God's will be done in my life, I pray. Amen.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Post B

This may or may not end up as a daily blog, as it depends on when I run out of stuff to talk about. I sometimes have things on my mind, and I've found that I'm much better at expressing my feelings and opinions with the written word, as opposed to verbally. And even if no one ever reads this, that's okay, because it'll help me organize my brain a little. Which, those of you who know me know that my brain is a little screwy.

Topic for next post: What on Earth am I supposed to be doing with my life?

Monday, March 20, 2006

Post One

Well, I'm not going to be saying much with this one. Except Hi.

I'll be talking about lots of things, I'm sure. Anything interesting? I dunno. Maybe. I often have thoughts or opinions about certain subjects. I may definitely be talking about personal things here, which may be scary. But you can take it, I'm sure.

God Bless!